25-Years-OLD-Life!!

I don’t think this is the life I imagined for myself as a girl heading towards 30. I did say, girl. I don’t feel quite like a woman yet. I often compared my life to the overly successful 25-something ladies and wondered if I’d get there. I often compared my life to the horrible 25-something ladies and wondered if I’d wind up there. But somehow, I’ve gotten to neither.

I set an alarm as per my work shift time.I wake up after 1 hour of that useless alarm.

And all I do is rush into daily routine and reach my work place “On Time”.

Did I just say, reaching workplace on time?Yep. That’s one of the qualities about me which I somewhat like.

I get through my day with 80% work and 20% chit-chat. But the question is , Do I enjoy it? Am I still confused about my career? And that’s something I am afraid to answer it to myself. Though I never wanted to be in this situation that during my “prime” years, I would be confused about what am I doing.

Trust me, I am not at all happy making this statement.

I finish up with my all possible work and wrap up every day. I make plans for coffee. For a quick dinner. For a drink, maybe. That sounds ridiculously old. “I catch up with friends for a drink .” That’s the new normal now.

I make plans and I always show up on time.I was never late. I smile, I laugh and I make eye contact as I say, “Cheers,” while I text fight with the few constants in my life not tied to me by blood.

I sigh through Thursday nights wishing it was Friday. I get so much done on Friday because I wish I could get to bed fast. On Saturday’s I wake up past noon wishing I’d woken up sooner. I Netflix all day wishing I could turn it off and get some chores done. I start doing chores wishing I was Netflixing instead.

I skype. I text. I watch as my calendar fills up and my bank account empties. It’s the last four days of the month or maybe the last week of the month and I’m counting pennies until the salary kicks in. But payday isn’t what I imagined it to be.

Because now, you’re right. I do get a lot more money than my parents gave me for pocket money. But my expenses are sky high, too. Did they tell you about this magically horrible thing called BILLS? No, they didn’t. Because learning about subatomic particles and Newton’s law was more important than bills. I don’t even know what subatomic particles are anymore. But here’s what I do know. I pay bills. Every first day of the month. And then my bank account reduces by half. And then I pay this incredibly crazy thing they call, “Taxes and Provident Fund.” I know taxes help keep my city safe and working. I know it. I wish they’d all had other ways of income so I can afford to do some retail therapy after that texting fight I mentioned before. But no. I pay it. I mean, I also need to have money when I’m 60, right? RIGHT? No, I’m not right. I don’t want a provident fund. I want money. To eat out. To have one extra drink. Why is there no rule that you don’t pay provident fund in your 20’s so you can have a life and then you start paying at 30 for your 60’s? There should be, right?

But there isn’t. So I live on 1/4 of the money I make after one month of waking up according to my shift timing and staying at work for 10 hours.

And I repeat this every day, every month, all year long.

And I spend my Saturdays feeling like I have all the time in the world to do chores and Sundays wondering why I slept through Saturday. I get to work on Monday wishing my boss hasn’t reached yet or maybe there is less work and I keep smiling while I am completely worried about my life. Can Someone tell me how bosses have the ability to wake up and get to work on time? Like how? I mean they have families. They wake up, they deal with family and still get to work on time!

I only have to deal with me. I don’t even eat breakfast. I wake up, shower and show up. And yet I have so many things to crib.

And this repeats. Over and over and over again. I meet with friends from college. Finally, They can now stay out past 10pm! WHAT A REVELATION! I’m just pissing some people off in the process. Do I also have to mention the many people I piss off by not texting back because I was busy, then I was working, then I had plans and I totally thought I did!!?

I deal with, “You’re old enough to be married,” and “Are you dating someone? We can get you married to him.” I find myself repeating, “I’m not into the idea of marriage right now.” Then the elderly continue to tell me why it is important to secure a relationship with marriage. I dream of a weekend in Australi alone and tune the other voices out. Sometimes, I also dream of pizza. I mean, come on. It’s PIZZA! It’s the poor man’s Michelin food.

I fight with my sister or parents. I show up at work sulking. We fix our fight. I go out  saying, “I’m not drinking.” I come back stumbling. “Which way does this key go in again?” I hate myself the next morning as I get through four cups of coffee. I tell myself, “I’m never going out again,” as my phone rings and my next plan is made.

If you’re wondering, no. I can’t afford this. But we do it. Because if I wasn’t drowning in credit card debt in my 20’s, am I really alive?

And so this continues. I pay the bills. I spend the money again. I pay it again. I spend it again. I drink. I swear to never drink. I drink again. I set alarms I sleep through. I buy shoes I’ll never walk in. I buy clothes I don’t have time for. Don’t even get me started on make-up and self-care products. I’m not awake long enough to be self-caring. BUT OMG! Did you see the new face serum?

And then, as the month draws to an end, and I sit at home broke on a Saturday evening that feels like morning because I just woke up, I write a post after quite a few months to tell you all, “Here’s my 25-year-old life in a blog!”

Is yours the same?

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Pretty Boy!!

He was the pretty boy that mamma told me to be aware of. The sort she fell for as a teen herself, or the teen she saw her friends being left heart broken by. The pretty men who wears just the right attire, the one I say, would look good in anything. I will find him walking alone, and He knows that I feel his eyes are broody, that he needs fixing & I will be the one to fix him.

He might even say all the right things, he can dance pretty, isn’t that what I would like?

But maybe I should Stop right there .

I should try to notice him, the person, the human, the kid that exists in him , maybe before he hits puberty. Run into him on Sunday mornings, when he is asked skateboard to the library, it’s not cool, it’s just convenient, easy to carry around. He might grab the seat by the window. He might like the sun’s heat on him in the cold winters. Sit across the table, initiate a conversation about philosophy. I hope it overwhelms me , catches me by surprise. Was I taken aback, when passionate words about emotions escape his lips, resonate through his eyes. I know i was warned about him the otherwise.

He also turned out to be that human who would take his baby sister to the museum every weekend. Well that makes me wonder , Do I like history? If I run into him there, talk to him about historical achievements, ancient architecture, Egyptian paintings,or even the town’s controversial past. Challenge him, about how primitive men started fire, stories behind different countries national anthem ,or Darwin’s theory. If I find him sitting alone in a park, on a bench, would i sit by his side? He can be sorry as he might take a few minutes before he initiates a conversation . Would i give him the most vague answers to the questions he has about life and society?

He is the pretty boy whom I know better than my mamma. So Next time would I defend him and tell her that , you know what mamma, he is one among those pretty boys who don’t cry pretty.

Will you?

And he kept waiting for 8pm…….!!!!!

Their journey was like the world of magic and magical rides.

There was anger, there was friendship,

There was insecurity along with love rush.

Love stories are great during it’s initial stage , but there has to be an end for new beginnings.

And same was the case in their scenario, a new start of their married life .

All the polished love, concerns, actually faded away but there was still the old school love left between them .

The day seems long & exhausting, as time comes closer to 8pm, it washed over him this sense of relief, that he’ll get to see her face soon.

Life is complicated, but her smile isn’t. And when it’s her , opening the door when he rings the doorbell of their house, he don’t want to ever give up on their bond.

She had a tiring day too, it was evident on her face but her smile says she was happy to see him too. Today’s exhausted kiss, different from their first passionate kiss that exhausted them, this is a more meaningful one & oh Lord! He was grateful for this one.

They freshen up. As He walks out of the shower , she smiles as she lay out the plates for dinner. Her smile says she felt blessed!

How is it that she haven’t gotten tired of him yet? She looked homely, in her loose black pajamas and a loose old green tee, her face clean of any makeup, this is wonderful, her simplicity.

Dinner, it was his turn to cook. She pretend to feel sorry for him but her mischievous smile gives it away, it says she was relieved too. Sitting on the couch, watching him cook, she say I’m a sight to devour, & it was funny because she didn’t wait for a response, she doze off, looking all cute, bundled up in the corner. An hour later He place the food on the centre table, He holds her close and she sigh peacefully, how is a person ever going to get tired of this bond, the comfort when she cuddle into him. She opens her eyes slowly with a smile and settle down for dinner.

They spoke over dinner, about their day and every other thing under the sky. she suddenly recalls the days when she has to lie at home for late night dinner dates with him and they kept smiling thinking about their journey so far.

Resting against her embrace, her fingers work magic into his head, those tiny pecks she drop on his forehead, she was a cure to a hectic day!

She holds his hand & they head to the bedroom, He was exhausted, He lie down, and she said, this is the best time of the day. She grin sheepishly. That impatience with which she switches off the lights & let just a bed side lamp stay lit, she undo her hair, throw a blanket over them and doze off smiling with her clumsy charm!

He grins when he hear her snore softly. He can’t wait for it to be 8pm tomorrow, already.

And their old school love survived another day with loads of memories to discuss later 😍

Love for solitude in crowded room, the irony!!

I hear you, you know. The wide stare of your soul, the way this breeze overwhelms you, your teary eyes when you argue with someone, your contradictory happy smile, or at times your fake smile just to ease out situation, the goosebumps over your skin, your aura’s shine.

People say you are too emotional, maybe people say you overreact, but I know it’s a boon and a curse to feel a bit too much, and at time nothing at all.

When the little things done in your way makes you feel satisfied, or the early morning shower, those ironed clothes, and how can I forget when you’re satisfied with “Your look” for the day. Yes, it makes you feel prim, a knowing smile or an acquaintance on the street, I hope you continue to acknowledge it all.

People often say it’s the tiny things that matter, but scoff at you for appreciating them, I hope that as much as their grin breaks you, I hope you know you’re more lucky than you know.

Do you know, if you notice, nature only opens up to people like us. And by us, I mean you and me, the ones who live and not just barely breathe. And by that, I don’t mean picture perfect moments, rather, the moments you guard fiercely in your heart, people you don’t talk about, eyes that you play peek a boo with, or the songs you know every lyric too from the start.

By us I mean the people who love to dance, even the ones who’d rather prefer to watch it from a distance, or the kind who don’t care how they are dancing, all they do is dance it out.

“Us” are the people who confuse themselves, by their love for solitude in crowded rooms, the irony. The kind who remember the fragrance of the rain, the one who remembers all the statement and make sure to discuss it at right time. The kind of person who at times gets psyched about certain situation but decides to smile and let it go. The ones who waves at strangers and confuse them or the ones who drops every possible things on their white clothes and looks like a messed up soul.

You say the breeze tells you not to leave this town and maybe that is one of the reason you’re not ready to go through any major changes.

And am I not right in saying that I know, like me, you too wouldn’t board the flight headed home, if the breeze were to blow just a bit stronger as if to say, “My dear, you’re already home.”

And you decide to remain in your confused solitude state and search for answers .🤫

 

 

 

 

 

Mixed Emotions : 25Years!!

We all hate growing old, yet we celebrate our birthdays!!

I realised this fact on completing 25 years of my life.

But there was something different this year, the rush and excitement for “My Day” was reduced.

It’s not that I was not happy, but all I could do was smile at midnight and said to myself, “Here you go girl, happy 25th!”

Somewhere I felt that distributing chocolates during school days and going out for dinner with family gave more joy to my soul rather than partying with my friends at some bar.

Things “were” different and things “are” different, still the journey continues.

And in between all this chaos, I felt Life’s got to give us some good apples along with the rotten ones, right, maybe for balance?

For the first time, I was not bothered about my social media posts or how many wishes did I receive?

For the first time, I didn’t go for my birthday shopping.

And also, for the first time, I felt little more responsible for my life and I tried setting up a goal.

It’s not like I didn’t enjoy, but this year I did what made me happy and away from the thought that “what would others think?”

Few might tag it as a “boring birthday” or with some other fancy phrase.

And I would say, they have all the rights to put across their opinions.

All I know is it won’t affect me.

Yes, it might be a bold statement but to be honest , end of the day it’s my day and I have all rights to celebrate it .

So, here I go, 25 years old, who is trying to set a plan to lead my life and be determined about it.

Another ordinary girl who is trying to live a carefree, bold and beautiful life on her own terms and conditions.

Yes, 25th year do contains mixed emotions!!

Still can’t decide to be extremely happy or should stay focused and bit more mature!!

All I could say for now is , “Happy birthday To Me!!”

Here’s to better Me,

Here’s to Happy Me,

And of course, here’s to Bold & Beautiful Me!!

So What?

So what if she travels solo,
Maybe the society should break the stereotype mentality and let her grow.

So what if she chooses the single life,
She pays her own bills and does not want to be someone’s wife.

So what if she has lost her virginity before getting married,
If you have any problem, maybe your soul should be buried.

So what if she hates the colour pink,
Her choices don’t affect your life. Stop and Think.

So what if she can’t cook,
Her life is amazing the way it is, take a closer look.

So what if she likes partying,
Freaks who judge her character should change the way they think.

So what if she chooses not to wear lipstick,
Amongst her many wonderful traits, is that what you’re seriously going to pick?

So what if she has more guy friends,
I don’t understand, why declaring her a slut has become a trend?

So what if she is a little extra on the girth,
Her waist size has got nothing to do with her worth.

So what if she has achieved promotion before you,
Learn to respect her hardwork instead of spreading nasty rumours without any reality clue.

So what if her dress is short or shows some skin,
Let’s not point fingers and first search, within.

In today’s world, she is not asking for a competition, about who is better,
Treat her like a companion with respect, that’s the only thing which matters.

Be You !

Ever Wondered, WHY?

Time is a strange thing,
When you’re waiting for something good to happen,
It can feel like time is dragging on.
But when you want it to slow down,
It goes by in the blink of an eye.
The odd part is time isn’t real.
It’s a concept imagined by scientists,
Based on the imperfect movement of the earth around the sun.
So why do we put so much importance on something that’s just a theory?
Because it’s all we have!
There’s never enough time.
We are always busy with work, life, family and fear of death.
Something always cuts our time short.
So our best bet is to make the most of the time we have.
Or
Make up for lost time.
But sometimes If we’re really lucky,
Time stands still.
Hence, Rustedleaveswriter suggests, ignore the tic tock of a clock and live each moment happily and wisely.
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Rusted Leaves Writer 🙂

SHE = HERSELF !

At times you’re misunderstood ,

And it ends everything!

She want to leave, she wants to stay,
Confused and struggling to find a way.

She is happy, she is sad,
Wondering if current phase of her life is good or bad.

She is frustrated, she is cranky,
At times she acts ok, otherwise she gets angry.

She is loved, she is hated,
But her life has become complicated.

She is adamant, she is unsure,
Hoping to get a permanent cure.

She thought she was in love, she realised she is still in love,
But the great silence is maintained all above .

She loves few, she hates many,
she gets confused and scary.

She is stuck with memories,
She needs to move on from old stories.

She has become a mess,
With a shattered heart and soul which needs rest.

She laughs in a group,
Alone she cries in a loop.

She has become a dreamer,
But there was a time when she was a achiever.

She is considered as jolly, she is considered as fake,
All she can do is stay focused and wait.

She is strong, she is broken,
She decided to leave few things left unspoken.

She is appreciated, she is cursed,
She tries to bend her thoughts and merge.

Maybe she needs time to heal,
As she has lot of things on her plate to deal.

For few she was a depressed soul,
And for others she was a girl who fights for things which are out of her control.

Few thought she betrayed them,
And they acted like they don’t give a damn.

Finally she was tired giving explanation to all,
Because she knew she cannot overcome this fall.

Her trust was broken,
She received life lessons as token.

So there she is,
At times happy,
At times cranky,
Searching for broken pieces.
Because she is tired of circumstances and twist of Mr.Fate in her life.

Thus, she decided to try to be HERSELF and think of HERSELF.

Something Just Like This..(Contd…)

I pick up my pen again,
Trying to forget all the pain.

Admiring the nature beauty,
Cheers to pain and to tragedies that dances through me.

Travelling across to change mindset,
Wondering about the people I met.

Trip with thoughts and soul,
Trippy songs and crossing Toll.

Living each day with shattered mind,
Waiting for heart and soul to bind.

Climbing up the hill top to enjoy the serene view,
Struggling to stop thinking about few.

Desires left me heartbroken,
Wishes were left unspoken.

Standing alone in the chilly weather,
Eating Maggie and thinking what’s needs to be done further.

Such kind of journey might sound lonely,
But at times you can enjoy your company only.

Here’s to the empty roads,Lonely journey with a soul to explode

Here’s to the beautiful rain,
Time to move on from hidden pain.

Here’s to the long drive, Wondering why these memories are still alive.

Sitting with a cup of tea on a cliff,
Singing song something just like this!